it's amazing how things change. it's amazing how events change us. it's amazing how small moments and actions change us so subtly that we don't even notice until we look back and realize that we are now a different version of ourselves.
what a year it's been. what changes, what emotion. I can assure most anyone that I am not the same girl who eagerly awaited her first New Years kiss, oh so many months ago.
I can say what I want, and what I need and what I wish would happen. I think I just need all of it to stop. I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of the heartache. I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of trying. I'm sick of putting effort and hope into things without realizing and having them end and being crushed about it. I'm done.
I'm sick of disappointment. I'm sick of falseness. I'm sick of people being childish. I'm sick of wanting more. I'm sick of holding my hand out and reaching and trying and wishing and coming up empty handed. I'm sick of being hurt. most of all I'm sick of that. I think I need to just give up on it. I've been trying so hard for as long as I have and coming up so empty handed is starting to take it's toll. I'm starting to feel bitter and cynical. I'm pretty sure settling for what I have been hasn't been helping either, since it hasn't been what I've truly wanted and hasn't been what it should've been either.
I'm sick at looking at couples and being jealous. I'm sick at looking at my group of single friends get smaller and smaller. I'm sick of watching good things happen to others and I'm sick of wondering when it'll happen for me. I'm sick of knowing that it's what will make me happy. I'm sick of buying more pillows for my bed trying to recreate the snuggling I so desire. I'm sick of starting a conversation with a guy and wondering if I'll finally be able to sleep because I'll have someone next to me. I'm sick of disappointment. I'm sick of trying.
I think I just need to give up on this idea. I just need to come to the realization that it's something I don't get to have out of life. I'm alone and I just need to deal with it, accept it and move on with it. I'm sure the aching that goes deep in my chest will fade with time.
I keep trying to find things and ideas and activities to fill up my time as I have so much of it now. they all cost money I don't have or don't fit into my schedule.
I hate my job. the good aspects of it just don't outweigh the bad anymore. but I go there. every day. every day for the next 28 years. I can't afford not to. I really never thought I would be one of those people that spend a third of their day at a place that makes them so miserable.
I hate living alone. I hate it. it's amazing just how much better off I am when I'm not. a conversation with someone in the morning just does wonders for me. it's sad how much of a difference it makes.
I want one part of my life that I don't hate. I want just one little thing I get to do that makes me happy. so many people tell me how loving and sweet and compassionate I am. and I spend it all alone and locked away.
