realizations.

it's been a long month of reflection, especially the last week. and I have gone over everything, more times than I should have. I thought about you, about me, about us, about life, about the future. and I've come to realize something that I knew before but have been able to put into context for our relationship. I help people. I like to help people. it's kinda what I do, and I'm really good at it. I have several references.

it's been two years since I had to move away from home. I lost a lot when I left. being around my social circle for the day to day and being able to help them with whichever was missed terribly. and then I met you. and you were handsome, sweet, charming; you wanted me. and you needed me. and I needed to be wanted and I needed to be needed. I need someone in my life who needs me, wants me around and that can show me affection and attention.

you filled that gap. you needed me and I helped you. I was there for you. and at the beginning, you gave me everything I needed. and then some. you gave me everything I never knew I always wanted. and through everything, I never changed but you did. you stopped saying sweet things. you stopped calling me sweet things. you stopped texting me first, you stopped giving me what I needed. you started blowing me off. you started lying to me. but I never wavered.

I needed you and you needed me. and when you decided that I had fixed you, that you were better, that you didn't need me in your life anymore, you decided that you made up your mind and that was it. you weren't happy with yourself and wanted to change. and I don't see how you couldn't do that with me.

I needed you. I need attention, affection and someone to want me. I need someone who wants to hear from me. I need someone who want to hold me. I need someone who wants to spend time with me. I need someone who wants to take me places and have me meet their friends. I need someone who will be my date for things.

I need a boyfriend. and I want it to be you. I'll never understand why you couldn't be the boy I met that clouded over but still warm August day. I know you care about me. I know you're attracted to me. I know you like me. I know we can be great together. I just don't know why you gave up on us so easily. why you took what we had and threw it away. I was willing to make it work and you weren't. makes me feel like I'm not worth the effort. which is what I don't understand. I am worth it. why don't you see that?