our five month anniversary

I can't believe I left this blog on such a low note and I'm walking back into it the same way. today has been the worst day. I've spent the past five months in a relationship, my first, with this amazing guy who told me this morning that he doesn't love me like I love him and feels guilty so he thinks we should break up.

my world has been turned completely upside down. when he said the words I almost didn't believe it was happening. I begged him to take it back. I prayed it was a nightmare and to just wake me up. I even said I hope this is some horrible practical joke. anything but hearing that we don't get to be together anymore. I'm crying, he's crying and holding me and I felt like I couldn't breathe, like I was going to be sick, like I needed to run away and like if I left his arms then that was it. we sat there for an hour crying, and holding each other and me trying to understand.

and then he stood up and got out of bed and made it real. oh dear god why does this have to be real?!!?!???! I'm lying here with the pajamas that smell like him, the blanket that smells like him and the pillow that smells like him bawling my eyes out and praying I get to wake up in the morning and have a redo at this whole day. please oh please, give me my redo day.

I can't eat, I can't breathe, I can't stop crying. my back is spasming, and my head is pounding. I have no idea what to do. the idea of not being with him causes so much physical pain, I didn't know this was possible.

my biggest fear is being alone. and now it's real again and I have to remind myself to breathe. I wish I was hit by a car or would fall from a great height. give me broken bones, I can deal with that pain, but this?! this is unbearable. and now I have to renew my ofa course out of town for the next two weeks. I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

I feel like if I didn't ask if he was coming to visit me on the weekend I was away this wouldn't have happened.

we didn't get a chance to talk everything out so we're going to get together for dinner when I get back. I wonder if he'll miss me. I wonder if he's hurting like I am. I wonder if Tuesday will be us fixing this, or goodbye...