we've talked quite a bit in the past week. I can honestly say that I haven't cried this much in my whole life.
I would reach out to you and you would finally answer me back. you would talk to me sometimes. it took me a whole week of poking and prodding you to get you to finally tell me how you really felt. I needed to hear it. I needed you to elaborate. I needed to hear the words, or see them in our case.
we had to do this apart. who knows if it made it easier or more difficult. I think we've done really well with this. considering what's happened, what needs to happen and what we need and how much we care about each other. I am glad and grateful that we've been able to be there for each other through this. how many people can say that?
you need to work on yourself. you need to make these changes. you were depressed and angry when I met you. and I made you happy. and now you're not depressed anymore and you're motivated to change yourself for the better. I'd like to think that I brought you there, brought you here, took you to the place where you're getting up and changing and learning and growing and can look in the mirror and be happy with what you see. I hope you can get to where you want to go. I hope you can make the changes you need to. I'm just sad that my heart had to get trampled in the process.
I held onto you tightly. and now that I truly understand where you're coming from and what you're doing and what you need, I've looked back at our relationship. and you were the one that said this to me so I'm not saying it to be mean, I'm just agreeing with you and speaking the truth. you were a bad boyfriend. I gave you all of myself. you were barely there for me and didn't reciprocate my feelings. or my actions. you said i deserve better than what you were giving me. and I've realized that you're right. I do. I deserve so much. more than I got. you once said that you weren't treating me like a boyfriend should and from that moment i always wondered.
I am amazing. I deserve someone that wants to be with me. someone that wants to see me, does sweet things, makes time for me, makes plans to see me, surprises me, calls me sweet things, who calls me!, someone who doesn't hesitate to tell me how they feel, good or bad and someone who loves me, just for who I am. someone who wants to be my partner and doesn't want to just throw in the towel when things are hard.
and that if things don't change and we don't end up back together down the road, you'll never find someone that loves you like I do, that does for you like I do and that is as caring as I am. (not that I'm wishing you unhappiness, just trying to say, you had it good with me and I'm amazing and you're the one that got rid of me. remember that if you're ever sad and alone, just saying)
although it wasn't perfect, we had a great 5 months together. we have one more night, our last date, a night to mark the end of our time together. I hope we can just take the time together and act like this whole messy break up didn't happen. we can be sweet, affectionate and create a memory that we can both look back on and be happy with. I really hope that after everything we've been through and with me letting you go because you need it, that you can give me this one night that I need. if you read this, you need to do this for me. if you're ever going to do something for me, let it be this.
maybe one day you'll wake up, look in the mirror and be happy with yourself. you said you feel like you can't provide affection like you should be able to in a committed relationship. maybe one day that will change and maybe you'll decide that you're ready to have someone love you. I hope that you'll go on Facebook, see if I'm single and give me a call.
I want you to know I gave you my heart and I'll love you forever. but if you fix yourself or change your mind and you want me back, you're going to have to step it the fuck up and going to have to work for it to get me back. you said that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger and this was just working my heart to make it strong like a bone. if you want it back and it's not as soft and open as it once was, you're the only one to blame.
I still think that we can make this work. that we change the dynamic of our relationship, that we see each other less and we lower the expectations of what we want from it. we're still committed to just each other, but not so demanding of each others time. this is what I want but just know that this offer has an expiry on it. I can't wait forever for you, even though I feel like I'll never love again and I would rather die alone than contemplate putting myself out there to meet someone again.
it took me a year in a new town before I was ready to put myself out there and go online and try and meet someone. I talked with 12 guys online, arranged to meet 6 of them and had 5 horrible experiences. I had awkward meetings where we didn't talk again. I had guys make excuses part way through dates so they could leave and I had 3 guys not show up at all.
and then you messaged me. and pursued me for three weeks until we started texting. and that was a week until you insisted we meet. I was talking with three other guys at the time and I chose to meet you. and at the end of our first date, i never spoke to those other guys because it was only you. when you had your arms wrapped around me in that field and said, when do I get to see you again, that was it.
I was so nervous on our first date. I got there 20 minutes before I walked up to you. I had to go to the bathroom to calm down. I had to get a drink to settle my stomach and I had to psych myself up to walk over and introduce myself. I told myself, grow a pair MacPherson, what's the worst that could happen? oh, just giving your heart away to have it broken, that's all.
the moment I saw you I was attracted to you. and it's a shame I didn't pen the line when I was thinking it then and patent it because I could be loaded. cuz I thought I knew you were trouble when you walked in.
I want to be friends and I'm glad we are here for each other and i know if i need you i can call you but i have to keep saying this to myself so I don't do something I'll regret.
fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice...
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