i think today is the lowest day i've had since i moved down here. i was on the phone with mom and i realized how hard it's been living down here and how much i hate it. i can't stand it here. work is good but the rest of it is shit. i can't do this. all i want to do is to go home. i'm so lonely and depressed. i really don't know how much more i can deal with. i didn't get dressed today. i didn't do anything on my to do list. i fucked around so it was too late to go to the bank and now i won't be able to go until next week, which is not good.
i get my hopes up when someone says they're going to come and visit and when the plans fall through, (LIKE THEY ALWAYS FUCKING SEEM TO) i get so upset. i don't even realize how much i was looking forward to the visit until i don't get it. and i know they're not doing it on purpose and it's not that it's against me, sometimes plans don't work out, but i just get so disappointed. i mean, i've lived here for 3 months almost, i've had 2 people come visit. i've been back to nanaimo like 6 times. why do i care about people more than they care about me?! am i a bad person? do i deserve to feel this way? is this a punishment for moving away from my family when they're having problems and i get to be miserable? the first 2 weeks being here were exciting and i couldn't wait to get out of bed. and now i lie there till the last minute so i won't be late for work.
i need to focus on what i have here and stop looking back at what i had there. i just deleted my facebook account. i can't deal with looking at pictures of my friends and status updates of people. if people want to get a hold of me, they can email me or call me. i can't live my life based on reading about people i care about and not having them give a shit about me. i just can't.
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