well, let's call this, not the best day in the world

i think today is the lowest day i've had since i moved down here. i was on the phone with mom and i realized how hard it's been living down here and how much i hate it. i can't stand it here. work is good but the rest of it is shit. i can't do this. all i want to do is to go home. i'm so lonely and depressed. i really don't know how much more i can deal with. i didn't get dressed today. i didn't do anything on my to do list. i fucked around so it was too late to go to the bank and now i won't be able to go until next week, which is not good.

i get my hopes up when someone says they're going to come and visit and when the plans fall through, (LIKE THEY ALWAYS FUCKING SEEM TO) i get so upset. i don't even realize how much i was looking forward to the visit until i don't get it. and i know they're not doing it on purpose and it's not that it's against me, sometimes plans don't work out, but i just get so disappointed. i mean, i've lived here for 3 months almost, i've had 2 people come visit. i've been back to nanaimo like 6 times. why do i care about people more than they care about me?! am i a bad person? do i deserve to feel this way? is this a punishment for moving away from my family when they're having problems and i get to be miserable? the first 2 weeks being here were exciting and i couldn't wait to get out of bed. and now i lie there till the last minute so i won't be late for work.

i need to focus on what i have here and stop looking back at what i had there. i just deleted my facebook account. i can't deal with looking at pictures of my friends and status updates of people. if people want to get a hold of me, they can email me or call me. i can't live my life based on reading about people i care about and not having them give a shit about me. i just can't.

first day back

well. just worked my first day back from vacation. and it was pretty good. i mean, i'm still learning and i wish i was 100 lbs lighter to make this job a heck of a lot easier but it was ok. got the galley, so that's not too bad. it wasn't too busy so that was nice too. went for an hour long walk today to try and get my ass (among other things) smaller and i really enjoyed it. didn't enjoy the blister i made and then after i put a protective cover on it for work, went to take the cover off i ripped the top layer of skin right off the blister popping it and leaving me with a raw mess for a heel. second day back to work is going to be hell in a hand basket. i think i'll forgo my walk tomorrow morning before work and run out to the store for some moleskin for work...sigh.

seeing: the unpacking i'll get to this weekend, now that i have no plans
hearing: people upstairs reminding me that there are another 6 billion people in the world but no-one for me to talk to.
feeling: tired. kinda bored. and trying not to think of my throbbing heal and trying to figure out what to do for it for sleep. thinking of leaving it open. the air is good for it. cover with polysporin and moleskin for work.

ANGRY!!

I HATE WHEN I TAKE THE TIME I DON'T HAVE TO WRITE AN AWESOME BLOG POST AND THEN THE DRAFT DOESN'T SAVE AND IT DOESN'T POST PROPERLY.....OH. MY. GOD!!!!!!!