hoping writing it helps me stop feeling it

it's amazing how things change. it's amazing how events change us. it's amazing how small moments and actions change us so subtly that we don't even notice until we look back and realize that we are now a different version of ourselves.

what a year it's been. what changes, what emotion. I can assure most anyone that I am not the same girl who eagerly awaited her first New Years kiss, oh so many months ago.

I can say what I want, and what I need and what I wish would happen. I think I just need all of it to stop. I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of the heartache. I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of trying. I'm sick of putting effort and hope into things without realizing and having them end and being crushed about it. I'm done.

I'm sick of disappointment. I'm sick of falseness. I'm sick of people being childish. I'm sick of wanting more. I'm sick of holding my hand out and reaching and trying and wishing and coming up empty handed. I'm sick of being hurt. most of all I'm sick of that. I think I need to just give up on it. I've been trying so hard for as long as I have and coming up so empty handed is starting to take it's toll. I'm starting to feel bitter and cynical. I'm pretty sure settling for what I have been hasn't been helping either, since it hasn't been what I've truly wanted and hasn't been what it should've been either.

I'm sick at looking at couples and being jealous. I'm sick at looking at my group of single friends get smaller and smaller. I'm sick of watching good things happen to others and I'm sick of wondering when it'll happen for me. I'm sick of knowing that it's what will make me happy. I'm sick of buying more pillows for my bed trying to recreate the snuggling I so desire. I'm sick of starting a conversation with a guy and wondering if I'll finally be able to sleep because I'll have someone next to me. I'm sick of disappointment. I'm sick of trying.

I think I just need to give up on this idea. I just need to come to the realization that it's something I don't get to have out of life. I'm alone and I just need to deal with it, accept it and move on with it. I'm sure the aching that goes deep in my chest will fade with time.

I keep trying to find things and ideas and activities to fill up my time as I have so much of it now. they all cost money I don't have or don't fit into my schedule.

I hate my job. the good aspects of it just don't outweigh the bad anymore. but I go there. every day. every day for the next 28 years. I can't afford not to. I really never thought I would be one of those people that spend a third of their day at a place that makes them so miserable.

I hate living alone. I hate it. it's amazing just how much better off I am when I'm not. a conversation with someone in the morning just does wonders for me. it's sad how much of a difference it makes.

I want one part of my life that I don't hate. I want just one little thing I get to do that makes me happy. so many people tell me how loving and sweet and compassionate I am. and I spend it all alone and locked away.

new month, new start.

I was afraid for February. I didn't want to start a month without you. I hate thinking about the things we're missing out on not being together.

yesterday morning when we came out of active pass, I looked over and saw a little sliver of a sunrise coming out from the cloud cover. after thinking of wanting to share the picture with you, I thought of it as a glimmer of hope. this morning, the sliver was twice the size. maybe it means that there's light at the end of the tunnel. maybe it means my life is getting brighter.

I need to think about myself and what I want. I don't think I've actually though of what I really want in a long time. I think that one thing that I should really do is start a bucket list. get it all down so I can see what I want to do and see my accomplishments when I finish it.

I know what I want out of life. I want to be happy, I want to explore, I want to learn, I want to experience. I want to love, I want to be loved. I want someone to share my life. I want someone to be safe with. I want someone to share with. I want my one and only and I want to be that for someone.

I have plans, although I think life has other plans for you and you don't even know it. and I wonder what life's plan is for me, and what it is for you. and if our lives are meant to cross again. because I still think we have unfinished business with each other. we may have broken up, but I can't shake the feeling that we're not done with each other yet.

but sometimes I wish I could go back. for just one more night. one more snuggle nap, one more corny joke, one more tender kiss, one more moment in your arms. one more moment of happiness.

realizations.

it's been a long month of reflection, especially the last week. and I have gone over everything, more times than I should have. I thought about you, about me, about us, about life, about the future. and I've come to realize something that I knew before but have been able to put into context for our relationship. I help people. I like to help people. it's kinda what I do, and I'm really good at it. I have several references.

it's been two years since I had to move away from home. I lost a lot when I left. being around my social circle for the day to day and being able to help them with whichever was missed terribly. and then I met you. and you were handsome, sweet, charming; you wanted me. and you needed me. and I needed to be wanted and I needed to be needed. I need someone in my life who needs me, wants me around and that can show me affection and attention.

you filled that gap. you needed me and I helped you. I was there for you. and at the beginning, you gave me everything I needed. and then some. you gave me everything I never knew I always wanted. and through everything, I never changed but you did. you stopped saying sweet things. you stopped calling me sweet things. you stopped texting me first, you stopped giving me what I needed. you started blowing me off. you started lying to me. but I never wavered.

I needed you and you needed me. and when you decided that I had fixed you, that you were better, that you didn't need me in your life anymore, you decided that you made up your mind and that was it. you weren't happy with yourself and wanted to change. and I don't see how you couldn't do that with me.

I needed you. I need attention, affection and someone to want me. I need someone who wants to hear from me. I need someone who want to hold me. I need someone who wants to spend time with me. I need someone who wants to take me places and have me meet their friends. I need someone who will be my date for things.

I need a boyfriend. and I want it to be you. I'll never understand why you couldn't be the boy I met that clouded over but still warm August day. I know you care about me. I know you're attracted to me. I know you like me. I know we can be great together. I just don't know why you gave up on us so easily. why you took what we had and threw it away. I was willing to make it work and you weren't. makes me feel like I'm not worth the effort. which is what I don't understand. I am worth it. why don't you see that?

the words I crafted to try and soothe my soul

we ended it on Sunday. you gave me my last date which meant a lot. the rest of Sunday and most of Monday were beyond painful. I had to write this Monday at work so I could stop crying and leave the bathroom

I miss you.

I miss your texts in the morning
I miss your texts at night
I miss your sleepy mumbles
I miss you holding me tight.

I miss sending you snuggles
and smiles and X's and O's
I miss our movie marathons
and the places we would go

I miss your amazing sweet kisses
I miss waking with you at my side
I miss our breakfasts and thumb wars
and all the new meals we tried.

I miss sending you sunsets
and pictures throughout the day
I miss having someone around
who wanted to hear what I had to say

I miss thinking of you my love
i miss the stupidest things
I miss your smell, your laugh and your smile
and all the warmth that your love brings

I hate the way I feel
I can't stand all the pain
It feels cold and dark and scary
it feels like eternal rain

you came to me in sadness
I shone sunshine on your face
and when I knew I loved you
you left me without a trace

you took my heart and broke it
left me in a small ball on the floor
you did for yourself and was selfish
broke my heart & went for the door

all I want is to hate you
to blame you and try to move on
but all I can do is to love you
and hope our time just wasn't a con.

8 long days of thinking and reflection and tears and hopefully growth.

we've talked quite a bit in the past week. I can honestly say that I haven't cried this much in my whole life.

I would reach out to you and you would finally answer me back. you would talk to me sometimes. it took me a whole week of poking and prodding you to get you to finally tell me how you really felt. I needed to hear it. I needed you to elaborate. I needed to hear the words, or see them in our case.

we had to do this apart. who knows if it made it easier or more difficult. I think we've done really well with this. considering what's happened, what needs to happen and what we need and how much we care about each other. I am glad and grateful that we've been able to be there for each other through this. how many people can say that?

you need to work on yourself. you need to make these changes. you were depressed and angry when I met you. and I made you happy. and now you're not depressed anymore and you're motivated to change yourself for the better. I'd like to think that I brought you there, brought you here, took you to the place where you're getting up and changing and learning and growing and can look in the mirror and be happy with what you see. I hope you can get to where you want to go. I hope you can make the changes you need to. I'm just sad that my heart had to get trampled in the process.

I held onto you tightly. and now that I truly understand where you're coming from and what you're doing and what you need, I've looked back at our relationship. and you were the one that said this to me so I'm not saying it to be mean, I'm just agreeing with you and speaking the truth. you were a bad boyfriend. I gave you all of myself. you were barely there for me and didn't reciprocate my feelings. or my actions. you said i deserve better than what you were giving me. and I've realized that you're right. I do. I deserve so much. more than I got. you once said that you weren't treating me like a boyfriend should and from that moment i always wondered.

I am amazing. I deserve someone that wants to be with me. someone that wants to see me, does sweet things, makes time for me, makes plans to see me, surprises me, calls me sweet things, who calls me!, someone who doesn't hesitate to tell me how they feel, good or bad and someone who loves me, just for who I am. someone who wants to be my partner and doesn't want to just throw in the towel when things are hard.

and that if things don't change and we don't end up back together down the road, you'll never find someone that loves you like I do, that does for you like I do and that is as caring as I am. (not that I'm wishing you unhappiness, just trying to say, you had it good with me and I'm amazing and you're the one that got rid of me. remember that if you're ever sad and alone, just saying)

although it wasn't perfect, we had a great 5 months together. we have one more night, our last date, a night to mark the end of our time together. I hope we can just take the time together and act like this whole messy break up didn't happen. we can be sweet, affectionate and create a memory that we can both look back on and be happy with. I really hope that after everything we've been through and with me letting you go because you need it, that you can give me this one night that I need. if you read this, you need to do this for me. if you're ever going to do something for me, let it be this.

maybe one day you'll wake up, look in the mirror and be happy with yourself. you said you feel like you can't provide affection like you should be able to in a committed relationship. maybe one day that will change and maybe you'll decide that you're ready to have someone love you. I hope that you'll go on Facebook, see if I'm single and give me a call.

I want you to know I gave you my heart and I'll love you forever. but if you fix yourself or change your mind and you want me back, you're going to have to step it the fuck up and going to have to work for it to get me back. you said that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger and this was just working my heart to make it strong like a bone. if you want it back and it's not as soft and open as it once was, you're the only one to blame.

I still think that we can make this work. that we change the dynamic of our relationship, that we see each other less and we lower the expectations of what we want from it. we're still committed to just each other, but not so demanding of each others time. this is what I want but just know that this offer has an expiry on it. I can't wait forever for you, even though I feel like I'll never love again and I would rather die alone than contemplate putting myself out there to meet someone again.

it took me a year in a new town before I was ready to put myself out there and go online and try and meet someone. I talked with 12 guys online, arranged to meet 6 of them and had 5 horrible experiences. I had awkward meetings where we didn't talk again. I had guys make excuses part way through dates so they could leave and I had 3 guys not show up at all.

and then you messaged me. and pursued me for three weeks until we started texting. and that was a week until you insisted we meet. I was talking with three other guys at the time and I chose to meet you. and at the end of our first date, i never spoke to those other guys because it was only you. when you had your arms wrapped around me in that field and said, when do I get to see you again, that was it.

I was so nervous on our first date. I got there 20 minutes before I walked up to you. I had to go to the bathroom to calm down. I had to get a drink to settle my stomach and I had to psych myself up to walk over and introduce myself. I told myself, grow a pair MacPherson, what's the worst that could happen? oh, just giving your heart away to have it broken, that's all.

the moment I saw you I was attracted to you. and it's a shame I didn't pen the line when I was thinking it then and patent it because I could be loaded. cuz I thought I knew you were trouble when you walked in.

I want to be friends and I'm glad we are here for each other and i know if i need you i can call you but i have to keep saying this to myself so I don't do something I'll regret.

fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice...

our five month anniversary

I can't believe I left this blog on such a low note and I'm walking back into it the same way. today has been the worst day. I've spent the past five months in a relationship, my first, with this amazing guy who told me this morning that he doesn't love me like I love him and feels guilty so he thinks we should break up.

my world has been turned completely upside down. when he said the words I almost didn't believe it was happening. I begged him to take it back. I prayed it was a nightmare and to just wake me up. I even said I hope this is some horrible practical joke. anything but hearing that we don't get to be together anymore. I'm crying, he's crying and holding me and I felt like I couldn't breathe, like I was going to be sick, like I needed to run away and like if I left his arms then that was it. we sat there for an hour crying, and holding each other and me trying to understand.

and then he stood up and got out of bed and made it real. oh dear god why does this have to be real?!!?!???! I'm lying here with the pajamas that smell like him, the blanket that smells like him and the pillow that smells like him bawling my eyes out and praying I get to wake up in the morning and have a redo at this whole day. please oh please, give me my redo day.

I can't eat, I can't breathe, I can't stop crying. my back is spasming, and my head is pounding. I have no idea what to do. the idea of not being with him causes so much physical pain, I didn't know this was possible.

my biggest fear is being alone. and now it's real again and I have to remind myself to breathe. I wish I was hit by a car or would fall from a great height. give me broken bones, I can deal with that pain, but this?! this is unbearable. and now I have to renew my ofa course out of town for the next two weeks. I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

I feel like if I didn't ask if he was coming to visit me on the weekend I was away this wouldn't have happened.

we didn't get a chance to talk everything out so we're going to get together for dinner when I get back. I wonder if he'll miss me. I wonder if he's hurting like I am. I wonder if Tuesday will be us fixing this, or goodbye...

well, let's call this, not the best day in the world

i think today is the lowest day i've had since i moved down here. i was on the phone with mom and i realized how hard it's been living down here and how much i hate it. i can't stand it here. work is good but the rest of it is shit. i can't do this. all i want to do is to go home. i'm so lonely and depressed. i really don't know how much more i can deal with. i didn't get dressed today. i didn't do anything on my to do list. i fucked around so it was too late to go to the bank and now i won't be able to go until next week, which is not good.

i get my hopes up when someone says they're going to come and visit and when the plans fall through, (LIKE THEY ALWAYS FUCKING SEEM TO) i get so upset. i don't even realize how much i was looking forward to the visit until i don't get it. and i know they're not doing it on purpose and it's not that it's against me, sometimes plans don't work out, but i just get so disappointed. i mean, i've lived here for 3 months almost, i've had 2 people come visit. i've been back to nanaimo like 6 times. why do i care about people more than they care about me?! am i a bad person? do i deserve to feel this way? is this a punishment for moving away from my family when they're having problems and i get to be miserable? the first 2 weeks being here were exciting and i couldn't wait to get out of bed. and now i lie there till the last minute so i won't be late for work.

i need to focus on what i have here and stop looking back at what i had there. i just deleted my facebook account. i can't deal with looking at pictures of my friends and status updates of people. if people want to get a hold of me, they can email me or call me. i can't live my life based on reading about people i care about and not having them give a shit about me. i just can't.